For starters, its been quite a while since I've updated or bothered to post anything, but I have missed this and writing has been on my mind for quite a while now. Since I've been gone I still have had my fair share of ups and downs but things are changing for the better. I may not have had a jam packed summer like I did last year, but it was still delightful. I've stated seeing my therapist less and less, we've gone from once a week to once a month. Even though I do miss having someone help me figure out my problems with me, I like the fact that I can deal with stuff on my own now. I have gotten a new foot tattoo, I got an Avenged Sevenfold deathbat on my left foot, not the original but slightly different. I got pit tickets to see Avenged Sevenfold, and honestly it was one of the most happiest times of my existence. I also got to see Halestrom, Volbeat, Blink 182, 30 Seconds to Mars, Weezer, Jimmy Eat World, H.I.M., and The Offspring. Musically this summer has been a dream come true.
But the biggest change in my life, was Him. My boyfriend and as far as I am convinced soul mate. Honestly, if at first I don't like someone or feel uncomfortable with them I cut them out of my life. But with him I couldn't ever do it, something made me want to stay and see where this friendship was taking us. One fateful night in July, changed everything. I won't go into any gruesome details, but I got super wasted and basically blacked out. Honestly, I don't remember 5 hours of that night. At the end of the day he took care of me and that made me realize, no one would ever do that for me unless they really loved me. As of today we are 4 months into our relationship and I have never been happier. Other than one of my best friends who I've known since Kindergarten, he knows all of my secrets and all of my flaws. Not even my therapist who I've known longer knows absolutely everything like he does. Like all the things I hold in a precious place, I keep him safe with me. I'm not ready to share him with the world yet, I want to keep him safe where no one will hurt him, but most of all I don't want to share our close and intimate details with the world, My relationship with him, should be based on just me and him, and I plan to keep it that way by not over sharing details.
I've noticed my depression has somehow cured itself with the happiness he brings me, of I got off my anti-depressants I would hardly notice since I don't think I need them. Suicide has barely crossed my mind, because with him I see a future. I do still think about cutting, but I tell myself not to be selfish, if I hurt myself I will hurt him. Love has become my cure to depression, maybe its the early stages of love setting in, but I am going to embrace it and hold hands with him on my way to recovery.
About Me
- Oliviaba7x
- Hi my name is Olivia. I am a High School Grad from 2010. I want to own my own business or just work in fashion. My family and friends mean everything to me. My blog is about my life, the troubles I face, and the adventures I want to document.
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
My experience on Wellbutrin (Bupropion)
Beginning of 2013 I was finally able to convince myself to go on medication (crazy pills) for my various issues such as anxiety and depression. This is my short journey with Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and anti-depressant.
On January I started my first dose of Wellbutrin (a.k,a. the happy, horny, skinny pill) and oh my did my world change. All of a sudden I had all this energy, I was super hyper all the time and felt actually happy for a while...For some reason I decided to drink a super large Monster Energy drink and I definitely felt the energy but only to have the worst crash ever. I was so tired and drained of energy by the end of the day. I did have another can of this stuff and it have the same effect on me, even when I wasn't full of natural energy. My hyper days faded over time and soon I started to have quite depressing days, where I didn't want to get out of my bed or be productive at all. Eventually I mellowed out and didn't feel an overall difference. After a month of taking Wellbutrin I went back to the psychiatrist. The medicine didn't end up making much of a difference with my depression but it did help lower my anxiety. The psychiatrist upped my dosage to Wellbutrin XL (which ironically comes in a smaller pill than the original Wellbutrin).
On February I started Wellbutrin XL and with my depression I didn't notice any slight changes after a month of taking it. My anxiety did disappear and I didn't feel it all, some days I did have physical anxiety energy but not as often. Wellbutrin XL also changed my thoughts on suicide and self mutilation. On regular Welbutrin I did think of suicide a bit more, but on the XL I started to process it more. Somehow every week I already knew that I was going to have a suicidal thought anytime, I expected it with this medication. It did start to increase from once a week to three times a week the more I took it. I did think of cutting a lot more as well, it went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts. What is kind of odd is my thoughts were never triggered by a bad day or a sad event. Like a weed it just popped up for no reason or purpose and just grew.
In conclusion taking this changed my energy levels once starting it and made me more suicidal. It did however help with my anxiety but did almost nothing for my depression. I recently did have another visit with the psychiatrist and have changed onto Zoloft (another anti-depressant) which I should be starting in a few days. Zoloft should be a little less stimulating (less suicidal thoughts) but still be able to help with my anxiety. If you are going to consider taking Wellbutrin please do your research on this drug. I suggest using Crazy Meds :). This is just my experience and to each his own.
On January I started my first dose of Wellbutrin (a.k,a. the happy, horny, skinny pill) and oh my did my world change. All of a sudden I had all this energy, I was super hyper all the time and felt actually happy for a while...For some reason I decided to drink a super large Monster Energy drink and I definitely felt the energy but only to have the worst crash ever. I was so tired and drained of energy by the end of the day. I did have another can of this stuff and it have the same effect on me, even when I wasn't full of natural energy. My hyper days faded over time and soon I started to have quite depressing days, where I didn't want to get out of my bed or be productive at all. Eventually I mellowed out and didn't feel an overall difference. After a month of taking Wellbutrin I went back to the psychiatrist. The medicine didn't end up making much of a difference with my depression but it did help lower my anxiety. The psychiatrist upped my dosage to Wellbutrin XL (which ironically comes in a smaller pill than the original Wellbutrin).
On February I started Wellbutrin XL and with my depression I didn't notice any slight changes after a month of taking it. My anxiety did disappear and I didn't feel it all, some days I did have physical anxiety energy but not as often. Wellbutrin XL also changed my thoughts on suicide and self mutilation. On regular Welbutrin I did think of suicide a bit more, but on the XL I started to process it more. Somehow every week I already knew that I was going to have a suicidal thought anytime, I expected it with this medication. It did start to increase from once a week to three times a week the more I took it. I did think of cutting a lot more as well, it went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts. What is kind of odd is my thoughts were never triggered by a bad day or a sad event. Like a weed it just popped up for no reason or purpose and just grew.
In conclusion taking this changed my energy levels once starting it and made me more suicidal. It did however help with my anxiety but did almost nothing for my depression. I recently did have another visit with the psychiatrist and have changed onto Zoloft (another anti-depressant) which I should be starting in a few days. Zoloft should be a little less stimulating (less suicidal thoughts) but still be able to help with my anxiety. If you are going to consider taking Wellbutrin please do your research on this drug. I suggest using Crazy Meds :). This is just my experience and to each his own.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
What is happiness?
For a couple weeks, maybe months, and possibly years I have asked myself am I happy? I always answered yes. But recently I have started to ask myself if I am unhappy? And my answer is still yes. If I was truly happy I would not be in therapy. But yet I am not sad enough to consider myself depressed.
I am not a religious person at all, I am still trying to find out if I believe in religion at all. But I do think that fate has given me a gift this summer.If I counted all the bad things that have happened to me in the past month, I would believe that I had a terrible summer. But yet fate has given me such amazing things to counteract all the bad.
Maybe happiness is the feeling that everything isn't crumbling beneath me. Or that through everything that has happened I still manage to smile. Right now I could name a million things that I would change in order to make me completely happy and giddy. But I know life doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm not happy, maybe I am just thankful.
I am not a religious person at all, I am still trying to find out if I believe in religion at all. But I do think that fate has given me a gift this summer.If I counted all the bad things that have happened to me in the past month, I would believe that I had a terrible summer. But yet fate has given me such amazing things to counteract all the bad.
Maybe happiness is the feeling that everything isn't crumbling beneath me. Or that through everything that has happened I still manage to smile. Right now I could name a million things that I would change in order to make me completely happy and giddy. But I know life doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm not happy, maybe I am just thankful.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
A Cluttered Mind
Wow, I have so many ideas of what to make a blog post of that there is just to many to organize. And if you know me well, you are aware that I hate throwing things away, especially ideas. I can talk about my current, minor obsessions..?
1. My new Warped Tour 2012 CD
2. Hunger Games DVD
3. Goth..
To start off today at Target (best store EVER) I bought the Hunger Games DVD. I have been waiting for this to come out on DVD for the longest time and now that I have it my obsession with Peeta and Josh Hutcherson can slightly be tamed. The first time I saw the film when it came back, I had not read any of the books or really knew the story line. I just watched because of all the hype it was getting. When I did watch it a second time I was obsessed! It took me a while to read the first book, but the second and third book I read in a day each. I am so happy I finally own the DVD. Anyways, while I was at Target I picked up the DVD and just happened to look at the CD section and found the Warped Tour CD. I love the two other years I have so getting the CD was a no brainer. I am listening to it as I type!
My third mini obsession happens to be Goth. I know nothing, about the culture, music, or literature that goes along with goth. However I am pretty obsessed with the make up and fashion part of the culture. Some of my clothing and accessories I do considered to be pretty goth. I especially love watching goth videos on YouTube, My favorite users are kazlovesbats, KINGgutterface, PorcelainPanicc, rottenzombiefairy, SebastianTheGirl, and batcavedilema. These are my favorite youtubers to watch. I am just so interested in the Gothic culture like I was obsessed with Scene and Emo for a while.
I would love to keep on typing but its pretty late at night, well for my parents anyways. I promise to make another post soon. Oh and BTW I got a nose and Monroe piercing haha I am a rebel
1. My new Warped Tour 2012 CD
2. Hunger Games DVD
3. Goth..
To start off today at Target (best store EVER) I bought the Hunger Games DVD. I have been waiting for this to come out on DVD for the longest time and now that I have it my obsession with Peeta and Josh Hutcherson can slightly be tamed. The first time I saw the film when it came back, I had not read any of the books or really knew the story line. I just watched because of all the hype it was getting. When I did watch it a second time I was obsessed! It took me a while to read the first book, but the second and third book I read in a day each. I am so happy I finally own the DVD. Anyways, while I was at Target I picked up the DVD and just happened to look at the CD section and found the Warped Tour CD. I love the two other years I have so getting the CD was a no brainer. I am listening to it as I type!
My third mini obsession happens to be Goth. I know nothing, about the culture, music, or literature that goes along with goth. However I am pretty obsessed with the make up and fashion part of the culture. Some of my clothing and accessories I do considered to be pretty goth. I especially love watching goth videos on YouTube, My favorite users are kazlovesbats, KINGgutterface, PorcelainPanicc, rottenzombiefairy, SebastianTheGirl, and batcavedilema. These are my favorite youtubers to watch. I am just so interested in the Gothic culture like I was obsessed with Scene and Emo for a while.
I would love to keep on typing but its pretty late at night, well for my parents anyways. I promise to make another post soon. Oh and BTW I got a nose and Monroe piercing haha I am a rebel
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Lobotomies, cutting, and the animal I have become
Lobotomy: Pretty strong and unusual subject I suppose. I finally watched Sucker Punch...most of it (had to feed my on going addiction to Temple Run) anyways, that almost last scene I suppose where you see her after the lobotomy, the incidents that happened....wow! Shes completely not there anymore, and the look on her face is haunting. Like my many other obsessions of mine I researched "lobotomy" many times and all the possible side effects. Is it crazy that I want one? Something that will calm me down and leave me less violent. Don't get me wrong I am not violent at all towards others, but the thought of getting a lobotomy is intriguing.
Cutting: If I haven't mentioned this before, which I pretty sure I haven't I am a cutter. I have cut my wrists, thighs, upper arms, and possibly other places 128+ times. It seems like a lot but in defense after 4 years I believe it evens out. Not much scars left except a possibility of 6 (from recent cutting) luckily for me they have all faded pretty nicely. I actually like my scars to fade, when they fade I fee like the problems that went with them fade as well. I do not cut because I am emo or because I want to kill myself. It calms me down, and I know it is not the best, but I feel secure. I haven't cut in a couple of weeks, but I am contemplating it right now. Probably won't act out on in until after Easter so my wrists don't look so ugly.
Animal I have become by Three Days Grace: Like my lobotomy fantasy I have developed yet another one thanks to this song. Actually make that two. First I want to go back in time, four years from now and be stuck in like a P.E. class with my peers who thought I was a loner or just odd. The have adult men come after me and tell me they are going to lock me in an insane asylum. And at first I act calm, but something snaps inside my mind and I refuse to go with them. And in total bad ass manner I some how know martial arts and just start fighting guards off. Maybe I take a hostage, and pull a gun out and tell them they can't take me. I fantasize about this when I listen to the song, but yet when it ends I never completely know if I escaped or what goes down in the end. I really want to be seen as a bad ass. Oh and Monster by Skillet is also a similar song to animal i have become but it reminds me to much of my ex so yeah... =] My second fantasy is creating a music video to this song, full on lip synching, black and white, and props. Might act out on this one if I get a new camera.
Might Update in another post... but I leave you all with this
"I can't escape this hell/So many times I've tried/But I'm still caged inside/Somebody get me through this nightmare/I can't control myself/So what if you can see the darkest side of me?No one will ever change this animal I have become"
Cutting: If I haven't mentioned this before, which I pretty sure I haven't I am a cutter. I have cut my wrists, thighs, upper arms, and possibly other places 128+ times. It seems like a lot but in defense after 4 years I believe it evens out. Not much scars left except a possibility of 6 (from recent cutting) luckily for me they have all faded pretty nicely. I actually like my scars to fade, when they fade I fee like the problems that went with them fade as well. I do not cut because I am emo or because I want to kill myself. It calms me down, and I know it is not the best, but I feel secure. I haven't cut in a couple of weeks, but I am contemplating it right now. Probably won't act out on in until after Easter so my wrists don't look so ugly.
Animal I have become by Three Days Grace: Like my lobotomy fantasy I have developed yet another one thanks to this song. Actually make that two. First I want to go back in time, four years from now and be stuck in like a P.E. class with my peers who thought I was a loner or just odd. The have adult men come after me and tell me they are going to lock me in an insane asylum. And at first I act calm, but something snaps inside my mind and I refuse to go with them. And in total bad ass manner I some how know martial arts and just start fighting guards off. Maybe I take a hostage, and pull a gun out and tell them they can't take me. I fantasize about this when I listen to the song, but yet when it ends I never completely know if I escaped or what goes down in the end. I really want to be seen as a bad ass. Oh and Monster by Skillet is also a similar song to animal i have become but it reminds me to much of my ex so yeah... =] My second fantasy is creating a music video to this song, full on lip synching, black and white, and props. Might act out on this one if I get a new camera.
Might Update in another post... but I leave you all with this
"I can't escape this hell/So many times I've tried/But I'm still caged inside/Somebody get me through this nightmare/I can't control myself/So what if you can see the darkest side of me?No one will ever change this animal I have become"
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Possible Update
Hey, It's me again..the girl who doesn't update her blog that often..(sorry). September is gone..and October is here. So many things I have planned for October...okay not really but I start my FIDM second semester the 5th it is crazy, and I'm going to Knott's Scary this month with friends which I am super excited about. Honestly I really don't go to stuff like that or rarely do anything special but this year is gonna change that. Some new ideas for this blog....post some more pictures and maybe do like a FIDM update, or other stuff that interests me blog. I hope I don't neglect this blog too much.
-Love Olivia
-Love Olivia
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