Love is a cure...

For starters, its been quite a while since I've updated or bothered to post anything, but I have missed this and writing has been on my mind for quite a while now. Since I've been gone I still have had my fair share of ups and downs but things are changing for the better. I may not have had a jam packed summer like I did last year, but it was still delightful. I've stated seeing my therapist less and less, we've gone from once a week to once a month. Even though I do miss having someone help me figure out my problems with me, I like the fact that I can deal with stuff on my own now. I have gotten a new foot tattoo, I got an Avenged Sevenfold deathbat on my left foot, not the original but slightly different. I got pit tickets to see Avenged Sevenfold, and honestly it was one of the most happiest times of my existence. I also got to see Halestrom, Volbeat, Blink 182, 30 Seconds to Mars, Weezer, Jimmy Eat World, H.I.M., and The Offspring. Musically this summer has been a dream come true.

But the biggest change in my life, was Him. My boyfriend and as far as I am convinced soul mate. Honestly, if at first I don't like someone or feel uncomfortable with them I cut them out of my life. But with him I couldn't ever do it, something made me want to stay and see where this friendship was taking us. One fateful night in July, changed everything. I won't go into any gruesome details, but I got super wasted and basically blacked out. Honestly, I don't remember 5 hours of that night. At the end of the day he took care of me and that made me realize, no one would ever do that for me unless they really loved me. As of today we are 4 months into our relationship and I have never been happier. Other than one of my best friends who I've known since Kindergarten, he knows all of my secrets and all of my flaws. Not even my therapist who I've known longer knows absolutely everything like he does. Like all the things I hold in a precious place, I keep him safe with me. I'm not ready to share him with the world yet, I want to keep him safe where no one will hurt him, but most of all I don't want to share our close and intimate details with the world, My relationship with him, should be based on just me and him, and I plan to keep it that way by not over sharing details.

I've noticed my depression has somehow cured itself with the happiness he brings me, of I got off my anti-depressants I would hardly notice since I don't think I need them. Suicide has barely crossed my mind, because with him I see a future. I do still think about cutting, but I tell myself not to be selfish, if I hurt myself  I will hurt him. Love has become my cure to depression, maybe its the early stages of love setting in, but I am going to embrace it and hold hands with him on my way to recovery.

My experience on Wellbutrin (Bupropion)

Beginning of 2013 I was finally able to convince myself to go on medication (crazy pills) for my various issues such as anxiety and depression. This is my short journey with Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and anti-depressant.

On January I started my first dose of Wellbutrin (a.k,a. the happy, horny, skinny pill) and oh my did my world change. All of a sudden I had all this energy, I was super hyper all the time and felt actually happy for a while...For some reason I decided to drink a super large Monster Energy drink and I definitely felt the energy but only to have the worst crash ever. I was so tired and drained of energy by the end of the day. I did have another can of this stuff and it have the same effect on me, even when I wasn't full of natural energy. My hyper days faded over time and soon I started to have quite depressing days, where I didn't want to get out of my bed or be productive at all. Eventually I mellowed out and didn't feel an overall difference. After a month of taking Wellbutrin I went back to the psychiatrist. The medicine didn't end up making much of a difference with my depression but it did help lower my anxiety. The psychiatrist upped my dosage to Wellbutrin XL (which ironically comes in a smaller pill than the original Wellbutrin).

On February I started Wellbutrin XL and with my depression I didn't notice any slight changes after a month of taking it. My anxiety did disappear and I didn't feel it all, some days I did have physical anxiety energy but not as often. Wellbutrin XL also changed my thoughts on suicide and self mutilation. On regular Welbutrin I did think of suicide a bit more, but on the XL I started to process it more. Somehow every week I already knew that I was going to have a suicidal thought anytime, I expected it with this medication. It did start to increase from once a week to three times a week the more I took it. I did think of cutting a lot more as well, it went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts. What is kind of odd is my thoughts were never triggered by a bad day or a sad event. Like a weed it just popped up for no reason or purpose and just grew.

In conclusion taking this changed my energy levels once starting it and made me more suicidal. It did however help with my anxiety but did almost nothing for my depression. I recently did have another visit with the psychiatrist and have changed onto Zoloft (another anti-depressant) which I should be starting in a few days. Zoloft should be a little less stimulating (less suicidal thoughts) but still be able to help with my anxiety. If you are going to consider taking Wellbutrin please do your research on this drug. I suggest using Crazy Meds :). This is just my experience and to each his own.

Birthday Blues

Finally the year I have been waiting for my entire life, 2013 the year I finally turn 21.  I'm finally inside the world of alcohol, clubs, bars, 21+ concerts, Casinos. Somehow, I'm not as excited as I should be. Is it because I haven't really planned anything? Or maybe that almost no one seems to care. I litterally had to remind my family that my birthday is on Sunday a.k.a. Super Bowl Sunday so they can't plan anything. So far game watching, dinner, and a trip to Stampede are my only plans. Secretly, I am hoping that someone is planning me a surpise party, but I doubt that will happen.

Overall 20 was a good semi-good year for me. I did a lot, activity wise and emotionally wise.
-Almost commited suicide
-Finally got into therapy
-Went on Anti-deppresants
-Spent my summer at the beach and water parks
-Got my nose pierced twice, got my monroe pierced
-Got a tattoo
-Fell in love
-Was completely heart broken
-Went to a movie theater by myself
-Lost a best friend
-Rode the tallest ride at the county fair
-Went to six flags
-Went to X Fest and saw Eve 6, Of Monsters and Men, Grouplove, Rebelution, Neon Trees, P.O.D., Angles and Airwaves, Garbage, and Jane's Addiction
-Saw Neon Trees again and Penguin Prison
-Saw Linkin Park and Incubus
-Got a new car
-Drove to Six Flags

Maybe 21 will be a good year for me. Maybe it's the new medicine I'm on (Wellbutrin a.k.a. the happy, horny, skinny pill). Hopefully more tattoos, more concerts, more falling in love, and of course alcohol.

Time for some changes

Remember me going to FIDM? Well to tell you the truth, my grades weren't what they were supposed to be. All three semesters were under a 2.0 and because of that I am getting dismissed from the school . It really sucks, I wish I could go back in time and do things differently but I can't. As for my future there really isn't a plan of action. Fast forward to they day things started to change, my third semester began and I was notified that I was being put on contract in other words my last chance to boost my grades. On top of that the stress of doing the best and having to pay $400 because I failed a class really got to me.

Whats my plan now? I have no idea. I need to tell my parents, figure out what I'm going to do career wise, and manage to tell Somonee about my coping problems. To cope I either try to forget about it, abuse drugs, or cut myself. One of the main things that is stopping me is not getting sent away. I've had nightmares about this.

So I am going to make some changes in my life and on my blog, I really want to focus on it since I feel writing has been such a great outlet.

Update: Started writing this post a few days ago. So I told my older sister everything. I gave her a facebook message and we have been texting, I really didn't want to talk to her on the phone or in person. Since I told her my emotional mood swings have left, but I am still uneasy. I am going to have to see her today, because of a family event. Let's see how this goes and maybe I will make another post about it. Still love my blog, and hopefully will keep up with it more.

Am I officially a Youtuber??

Hello, Well mid-terms are over!! Yes and no. Yes because I can finally not be stressed out about power studying and no because this quarter is almost over!! So I am procrastinating right now, ahh yes something I seem to do a lot. Alright so the point of this post is...I made another YouTube account. Mainly because A) I want to start out fresh with no videos, subscriptions or history and B) I just wanted this cool username instead of my old one. My new one is oliviaba7x which I use a lot, and my old one is futurepcd which is just some stupid name I created on a whim. So basically yeah. I want to focus this channel on just videos, my futurepcd one is favorites, playlist and subscriptions. I will post outfit of the day videos, tags, and even make-up. I uploaded my first video and it isn't too bad. Hope I can stick with this!