My experience on Wellbutrin (Bupropion)

Beginning of 2013 I was finally able to convince myself to go on medication (crazy pills) for my various issues such as anxiety and depression. This is my short journey with Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and anti-depressant.

On January I started my first dose of Wellbutrin (a.k,a. the happy, horny, skinny pill) and oh my did my world change. All of a sudden I had all this energy, I was super hyper all the time and felt actually happy for a while...For some reason I decided to drink a super large Monster Energy drink and I definitely felt the energy but only to have the worst crash ever. I was so tired and drained of energy by the end of the day. I did have another can of this stuff and it have the same effect on me, even when I wasn't full of natural energy. My hyper days faded over time and soon I started to have quite depressing days, where I didn't want to get out of my bed or be productive at all. Eventually I mellowed out and didn't feel an overall difference. After a month of taking Wellbutrin I went back to the psychiatrist. The medicine didn't end up making much of a difference with my depression but it did help lower my anxiety. The psychiatrist upped my dosage to Wellbutrin XL (which ironically comes in a smaller pill than the original Wellbutrin).

On February I started Wellbutrin XL and with my depression I didn't notice any slight changes after a month of taking it. My anxiety did disappear and I didn't feel it all, some days I did have physical anxiety energy but not as often. Wellbutrin XL also changed my thoughts on suicide and self mutilation. On regular Welbutrin I did think of suicide a bit more, but on the XL I started to process it more. Somehow every week I already knew that I was going to have a suicidal thought anytime, I expected it with this medication. It did start to increase from once a week to three times a week the more I took it. I did think of cutting a lot more as well, it went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts. What is kind of odd is my thoughts were never triggered by a bad day or a sad event. Like a weed it just popped up for no reason or purpose and just grew.

In conclusion taking this changed my energy levels once starting it and made me more suicidal. It did however help with my anxiety but did almost nothing for my depression. I recently did have another visit with the psychiatrist and have changed onto Zoloft (another anti-depressant) which I should be starting in a few days. Zoloft should be a little less stimulating (less suicidal thoughts) but still be able to help with my anxiety. If you are going to consider taking Wellbutrin please do your research on this drug. I suggest using Crazy Meds :). This is just my experience and to each his own.

Birthday Blues

Finally the year I have been waiting for my entire life, 2013 the year I finally turn 21.  I'm finally inside the world of alcohol, clubs, bars, 21+ concerts, Casinos. Somehow, I'm not as excited as I should be. Is it because I haven't really planned anything? Or maybe that almost no one seems to care. I litterally had to remind my family that my birthday is on Sunday a.k.a. Super Bowl Sunday so they can't plan anything. So far game watching, dinner, and a trip to Stampede are my only plans. Secretly, I am hoping that someone is planning me a surpise party, but I doubt that will happen.

Overall 20 was a good semi-good year for me. I did a lot, activity wise and emotionally wise.
-Almost commited suicide
-Finally got into therapy
-Went on Anti-deppresants
-Spent my summer at the beach and water parks
-Got my nose pierced twice, got my monroe pierced
-Got a tattoo
-Fell in love
-Was completely heart broken
-Went to a movie theater by myself
-Lost a best friend
-Rode the tallest ride at the county fair
-Went to six flags
-Went to X Fest and saw Eve 6, Of Monsters and Men, Grouplove, Rebelution, Neon Trees, P.O.D., Angles and Airwaves, Garbage, and Jane's Addiction
-Saw Neon Trees again and Penguin Prison
-Saw Linkin Park and Incubus
-Got a new car
-Drove to Six Flags

Maybe 21 will be a good year for me. Maybe it's the new medicine I'm on (Wellbutrin a.k.a. the happy, horny, skinny pill). Hopefully more tattoos, more concerts, more falling in love, and of course alcohol.

Lobotomies, cutting, and the animal I have become

Lobotomy: Pretty strong and unusual subject I suppose. I finally watched Sucker Punch...most of it (had to feed my on going addiction to Temple Run) anyways, that almost last scene I suppose where you see her after the lobotomy, the incidents that happened....wow! Shes completely not there anymore, and the look on her face is haunting. Like my many other obsessions of mine I researched "lobotomy" many times and all the possible side effects. Is it crazy that I want one? Something that will calm me down and leave me less violent. Don't get me wrong I am not violent at all towards others, but the thought of getting a lobotomy is intriguing.

Cutting: If I haven't mentioned this before, which I pretty sure I haven't I am a cutter. I have cut my wrists, thighs, upper arms, and possibly other places 128+ times. It seems like a lot but in defense after 4 years I believe it evens out. Not much scars left except a possibility of 6 (from recent cutting) luckily for me they have all faded pretty nicely. I actually like my scars to fade, when they fade I fee like the problems that went with them fade as well. I do not cut because I am emo or because I want to kill myself. It calms me down, and I know it is not the best, but I feel secure. I haven't cut in a couple of weeks, but I am contemplating it right now. Probably won't act out on in until after Easter so my wrists don't look so ugly.

Animal I have become by Three Days Grace: Like my lobotomy fantasy I have developed yet another one thanks to this song. Actually make that two. First I want to go back in time, four years from now and be stuck in like a P.E. class with my peers who thought I was a loner or just odd. The have adult men come after me and tell me they are going to lock me in an insane asylum. And at first I act calm, but something snaps inside my mind and I refuse to go with them. And in total bad ass manner I some how know martial arts and just start fighting guards off. Maybe I take a hostage, and pull a gun out and tell them they can't take me. I fantasize about this when I listen to the song, but yet when it ends I never completely know if I escaped or what goes down in the end. I really want to be seen as a bad ass. Oh and Monster by Skillet is also a similar song to animal i have become but it reminds me to much of my ex so yeah... =] My second fantasy is creating a music video to this song, full on lip synching, black and white, and props. Might act out on this one if I get a new camera.

Might Update in another post... but I leave you all with this

"I can't escape this hell/So many times I've tried/But I'm still caged inside/Somebody get me through this nightmare/I can't control myself/So what if you can see the darkest side of me?No one will ever change this animal I have become"

Time for some changes

Remember me going to FIDM? Well to tell you the truth, my grades weren't what they were supposed to be. All three semesters were under a 2.0 and because of that I am getting dismissed from the school . It really sucks, I wish I could go back in time and do things differently but I can't. As for my future there really isn't a plan of action. Fast forward to they day things started to change, my third semester began and I was notified that I was being put on contract in other words my last chance to boost my grades. On top of that the stress of doing the best and having to pay $400 because I failed a class really got to me.

Whats my plan now? I have no idea. I need to tell my parents, figure out what I'm going to do career wise, and manage to tell Somonee about my coping problems. To cope I either try to forget about it, abuse drugs, or cut myself. One of the main things that is stopping me is not getting sent away. I've had nightmares about this.

So I am going to make some changes in my life and on my blog, I really want to focus on it since I feel writing has been such a great outlet.

Update: Started writing this post a few days ago. So I told my older sister everything. I gave her a facebook message and we have been texting, I really didn't want to talk to her on the phone or in person. Since I told her my emotional mood swings have left, but I am still uneasy. I am going to have to see her today, because of a family event. Let's see how this goes and maybe I will make another post about it. Still love my blog, and hopefully will keep up with it more.