Commitment

Commitment. It can be a scary word, so many "m" to remember it has the power to intimidate. Besides the spelling, the meaning of it can make even grown men run in fear. I might have a fear of commitment, cause like most humans I change my mind. When I do commit its because a)its a sudden decision and I want to go with my gut or b)I have spent a great deal twirling the idea in my mind and I am positive this is the right choice. Not 100% positive cause my mind likes to have doubts. Now here is a (not so secret) secret, I can barely commit. This blog, my goals in life, my friends, and now my love life.

Love life? I am not 100% positive that I even have one. Is there a bf? Not exactly. Someone I care about? Yes. Something developing? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure if I should be sharing this. I found him not looking for something serious. Maybe something for a few times...if you know what I mean. But then feelings get involved, and it all becomes complicated. And my mind can't wrap around something that isn't black and white, that isn't yes or no. But for the first time in my life, I am not sure if I have commitment issues. A) I don't want to leave and give up so easily because 1) this might be worth while 2) I don't want to run away. Or B)I want to leave to avoid being hurt or  C) Maybe this is a sign to find something closer.

Not the same situation but also involving my love life. I recently changed my Facebook Interested In section to men and women. I came out on Facebook. And that is kind of a big deal for me. Because the first time I came out to people it came back negatively and I eventually just told the world that, I was going thru a phase. But I just don't give as much of a fuck anymore. I like men and women, just in different ways. I can never see myself with another girl (keep in mind this post is about commitment so that might change) I honestly want girls for sexual relations.  I want boys for that too, but with them I feel emotions too. So coming out makes me feel empowered in a way. I don't give a fuck about what people think about that part of my mind. The special someone I mentioned in the paragraph doesn't care that I want girls for sex, so it kinda works out.

Commitment. Something, people have trouble with and I am one of those people. I won't commit unless you give me a hell of a good reason to.