Commitment

Commitment. It can be a scary word, so many "m" to remember it has the power to intimidate. Besides the spelling, the meaning of it can make even grown men run in fear. I might have a fear of commitment, cause like most humans I change my mind. When I do commit its because a)its a sudden decision and I want to go with my gut or b)I have spent a great deal twirling the idea in my mind and I am positive this is the right choice. Not 100% positive cause my mind likes to have doubts. Now here is a (not so secret) secret, I can barely commit. This blog, my goals in life, my friends, and now my love life.

Love life? I am not 100% positive that I even have one. Is there a bf? Not exactly. Someone I care about? Yes. Something developing? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure if I should be sharing this. I found him not looking for something serious. Maybe something for a few times...if you know what I mean. But then feelings get involved, and it all becomes complicated. And my mind can't wrap around something that isn't black and white, that isn't yes or no. But for the first time in my life, I am not sure if I have commitment issues. A) I don't want to leave and give up so easily because 1) this might be worth while 2) I don't want to run away. Or B)I want to leave to avoid being hurt or  C) Maybe this is a sign to find something closer.

Not the same situation but also involving my love life. I recently changed my Facebook Interested In section to men and women. I came out on Facebook. And that is kind of a big deal for me. Because the first time I came out to people it came back negatively and I eventually just told the world that, I was going thru a phase. But I just don't give as much of a fuck anymore. I like men and women, just in different ways. I can never see myself with another girl (keep in mind this post is about commitment so that might change) I honestly want girls for sexual relations.  I want boys for that too, but with them I feel emotions too. So coming out makes me feel empowered in a way. I don't give a fuck about what people think about that part of my mind. The special someone I mentioned in the paragraph doesn't care that I want girls for sex, so it kinda works out.

Commitment. Something, people have trouble with and I am one of those people. I won't commit unless you give me a hell of a good reason to.

What is happiness?

For a couple weeks, maybe months, and possibly years I have asked myself am I happy? I always answered yes. But recently I have started to ask myself if I am unhappy? And my answer is still yes. If I was truly happy I would not be in therapy. But yet I am not sad enough to consider myself depressed.

I am not a religious person at all, I am still trying to find out if I believe in religion at all. But I do think that fate has given me a gift this summer.If I counted all the bad things that have happened to me in the past month, I would believe that I had a terrible summer. But yet fate has given me such amazing things to counteract all the bad.

Maybe happiness is the feeling that everything isn't crumbling beneath me. Or that through everything that has happened I still manage to smile. Right now I could name a million things that I would change in order to make me completely happy and giddy. But I know life doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm not happy, maybe I am just thankful.

A Cluttered Mind

Wow, I have so many ideas of what to make a blog post of that there is just to many to organize. And if you know me well, you are aware that I hate throwing things away, especially ideas. I can talk about my current, minor obsessions..?
1. My new Warped Tour 2012 CD
2. Hunger Games DVD
3. Goth..

To start off today at Target (best store EVER) I bought the Hunger Games DVD. I have been waiting for this to come out on DVD for the longest time and now that I have it my obsession with Peeta and Josh Hutcherson can slightly be tamed. The first time I saw the film when it came back, I had not read any of the books or really knew the story line. I just watched because of all the hype it was getting. When I did watch it a second time I was obsessed! It took me a while to read the first book, but the second and third book I read in a day each. I am so happy I finally own the DVD. Anyways, while I was at Target I picked up the DVD and just happened to look at the CD section and found the Warped Tour CD. I love the two other years I have so getting the CD was a no brainer. I am listening to it as I type!

My third mini obsession happens to be Goth. I know nothing, about the culture, music, or literature that goes along with goth. However I am pretty obsessed with the make up and fashion part of the culture. Some of my clothing and accessories I do considered to be pretty goth. I especially love watching goth videos on YouTube, My favorite users are kazlovesbats, KINGgutterface, PorcelainPanicc, rottenzombiefairy, SebastianTheGirl, and batcavedilema. These are my favorite youtubers to watch. I am just so interested in the Gothic culture like I was obsessed with Scene and Emo for a while.

I would love to keep on typing but its pretty late at night, well for my parents anyways. I promise to make another post soon. Oh and BTW I got a nose and Monroe piercing haha I am a rebel

Lobotomies, cutting, and the animal I have become

Lobotomy: Pretty strong and unusual subject I suppose. I finally watched Sucker Punch...most of it (had to feed my on going addiction to Temple Run) anyways, that almost last scene I suppose where you see her after the lobotomy, the incidents that happened....wow! Shes completely not there anymore, and the look on her face is haunting. Like my many other obsessions of mine I researched "lobotomy" many times and all the possible side effects. Is it crazy that I want one? Something that will calm me down and leave me less violent. Don't get me wrong I am not violent at all towards others, but the thought of getting a lobotomy is intriguing.

Cutting: If I haven't mentioned this before, which I pretty sure I haven't I am a cutter. I have cut my wrists, thighs, upper arms, and possibly other places 128+ times. It seems like a lot but in defense after 4 years I believe it evens out. Not much scars left except a possibility of 6 (from recent cutting) luckily for me they have all faded pretty nicely. I actually like my scars to fade, when they fade I fee like the problems that went with them fade as well. I do not cut because I am emo or because I want to kill myself. It calms me down, and I know it is not the best, but I feel secure. I haven't cut in a couple of weeks, but I am contemplating it right now. Probably won't act out on in until after Easter so my wrists don't look so ugly.

Animal I have become by Three Days Grace: Like my lobotomy fantasy I have developed yet another one thanks to this song. Actually make that two. First I want to go back in time, four years from now and be stuck in like a P.E. class with my peers who thought I was a loner or just odd. The have adult men come after me and tell me they are going to lock me in an insane asylum. And at first I act calm, but something snaps inside my mind and I refuse to go with them. And in total bad ass manner I some how know martial arts and just start fighting guards off. Maybe I take a hostage, and pull a gun out and tell them they can't take me. I fantasize about this when I listen to the song, but yet when it ends I never completely know if I escaped or what goes down in the end. I really want to be seen as a bad ass. Oh and Monster by Skillet is also a similar song to animal i have become but it reminds me to much of my ex so yeah... =] My second fantasy is creating a music video to this song, full on lip synching, black and white, and props. Might act out on this one if I get a new camera.

Might Update in another post... but I leave you all with this

"I can't escape this hell/So many times I've tried/But I'm still caged inside/Somebody get me through this nightmare/I can't control myself/So what if you can see the darkest side of me?No one will ever change this animal I have become"

Time for some changes

Remember me going to FIDM? Well to tell you the truth, my grades weren't what they were supposed to be. All three semesters were under a 2.0 and because of that I am getting dismissed from the school . It really sucks, I wish I could go back in time and do things differently but I can't. As for my future there really isn't a plan of action. Fast forward to they day things started to change, my third semester began and I was notified that I was being put on contract in other words my last chance to boost my grades. On top of that the stress of doing the best and having to pay $400 because I failed a class really got to me.

Whats my plan now? I have no idea. I need to tell my parents, figure out what I'm going to do career wise, and manage to tell Somonee about my coping problems. To cope I either try to forget about it, abuse drugs, or cut myself. One of the main things that is stopping me is not getting sent away. I've had nightmares about this.

So I am going to make some changes in my life and on my blog, I really want to focus on it since I feel writing has been such a great outlet.

Update: Started writing this post a few days ago. So I told my older sister everything. I gave her a facebook message and we have been texting, I really didn't want to talk to her on the phone or in person. Since I told her my emotional mood swings have left, but I am still uneasy. I am going to have to see her today, because of a family event. Let's see how this goes and maybe I will make another post about it. Still love my blog, and hopefully will keep up with it more.

The Future....

Haven't had post in a while....sorry. I have been very busy and completely forgot about my blog until now. So some updates: 1. started my third quarter at fidm 2. taking four classes fabric id, apparel process 1, fundamentals of sketching, and critical thinking. Speaking of critical thinking I am supposed to be writing an essay but i am procrastinating. So, if you read my blog, you can tell i am not a huge fan of school. When I did go to a community collage I often skipped class and never took it as seriously as i should have. For Fidm I have only skipped class twice, I love my school so much. But unfortunately I am failing.. My GPA is pretty low...which ultimately sucks and it will pro ably take a miracle for me to pass, but I am trying.

LOVE: So there is this guy will call him Craig. He is very good looking, funny, likes boy bands (yes boy bands), has real set in stone goals, is a dancer, and he honestly seems like someone I would overall want to introduce to my parents....basically hes like what I want in a husband.
He may seem perfect but he also has some qualities I don't like. Hes overally religious, seems to ignore me a lot, and by ignoring i mean I will try to start a conversation with him and he either responds quickly or talks and picks up the conversation with somebody else. Hes a cancer and I am an Aquarius....basically they don't mix.

The there is this other guy will call his Henry. He is also very good looking, a bit older, nice arms which I have a thing for, and is not afraid to cuss. I just recently discovered I am very much attracted to Henry...but we don't talk at all, like he will try to make conversation with me but I don't get to talk to him that often. Another upside to Henry is that I've spent a little more time with him then Craig. Also Henry seems like the guy who will show you a good time and if anything physical starts to happen, things leading into sex is no big deal. While Craig will again show you a good time, but only leave you with a kiss or two.

As much as I like Craig, Henry seems to beat him by a nose. Not sure if anything will ever spark between either of these guys but a girl can dream. Its getting late so must get to work on that essay.