Lobotomies, cutting, and the animal I have become

Lobotomy: Pretty strong and unusual subject I suppose. I finally watched Sucker Punch...most of it (had to feed my on going addiction to Temple Run) anyways, that almost last scene I suppose where you see her after the lobotomy, the incidents that happened....wow! Shes completely not there anymore, and the look on her face is haunting. Like my many other obsessions of mine I researched "lobotomy" many times and all the possible side effects. Is it crazy that I want one? Something that will calm me down and leave me less violent. Don't get me wrong I am not violent at all towards others, but the thought of getting a lobotomy is intriguing.

Cutting: If I haven't mentioned this before, which I pretty sure I haven't I am a cutter. I have cut my wrists, thighs, upper arms, and possibly other places 128+ times. It seems like a lot but in defense after 4 years I believe it evens out. Not much scars left except a possibility of 6 (from recent cutting) luckily for me they have all faded pretty nicely. I actually like my scars to fade, when they fade I fee like the problems that went with them fade as well. I do not cut because I am emo or because I want to kill myself. It calms me down, and I know it is not the best, but I feel secure. I haven't cut in a couple of weeks, but I am contemplating it right now. Probably won't act out on in until after Easter so my wrists don't look so ugly.

Animal I have become by Three Days Grace: Like my lobotomy fantasy I have developed yet another one thanks to this song. Actually make that two. First I want to go back in time, four years from now and be stuck in like a P.E. class with my peers who thought I was a loner or just odd. The have adult men come after me and tell me they are going to lock me in an insane asylum. And at first I act calm, but something snaps inside my mind and I refuse to go with them. And in total bad ass manner I some how know martial arts and just start fighting guards off. Maybe I take a hostage, and pull a gun out and tell them they can't take me. I fantasize about this when I listen to the song, but yet when it ends I never completely know if I escaped or what goes down in the end. I really want to be seen as a bad ass. Oh and Monster by Skillet is also a similar song to animal i have become but it reminds me to much of my ex so yeah... =] My second fantasy is creating a music video to this song, full on lip synching, black and white, and props. Might act out on this one if I get a new camera.

Might Update in another post... but I leave you all with this

"I can't escape this hell/So many times I've tried/But I'm still caged inside/Somebody get me through this nightmare/I can't control myself/So what if you can see the darkest side of me?No one will ever change this animal I have become"