My experience on Wellbutrin (Bupropion)

Beginning of 2013 I was finally able to convince myself to go on medication (crazy pills) for my various issues such as anxiety and depression. This is my short journey with Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and anti-depressant.

On January I started my first dose of Wellbutrin (a.k,a. the happy, horny, skinny pill) and oh my did my world change. All of a sudden I had all this energy, I was super hyper all the time and felt actually happy for a while...For some reason I decided to drink a super large Monster Energy drink and I definitely felt the energy but only to have the worst crash ever. I was so tired and drained of energy by the end of the day. I did have another can of this stuff and it have the same effect on me, even when I wasn't full of natural energy. My hyper days faded over time and soon I started to have quite depressing days, where I didn't want to get out of my bed or be productive at all. Eventually I mellowed out and didn't feel an overall difference. After a month of taking Wellbutrin I went back to the psychiatrist. The medicine didn't end up making much of a difference with my depression but it did help lower my anxiety. The psychiatrist upped my dosage to Wellbutrin XL (which ironically comes in a smaller pill than the original Wellbutrin).

On February I started Wellbutrin XL and with my depression I didn't notice any slight changes after a month of taking it. My anxiety did disappear and I didn't feel it all, some days I did have physical anxiety energy but not as often. Wellbutrin XL also changed my thoughts on suicide and self mutilation. On regular Welbutrin I did think of suicide a bit more, but on the XL I started to process it more. Somehow every week I already knew that I was going to have a suicidal thought anytime, I expected it with this medication. It did start to increase from once a week to three times a week the more I took it. I did think of cutting a lot more as well, it went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts. What is kind of odd is my thoughts were never triggered by a bad day or a sad event. Like a weed it just popped up for no reason or purpose and just grew.

In conclusion taking this changed my energy levels once starting it and made me more suicidal. It did however help with my anxiety but did almost nothing for my depression. I recently did have another visit with the psychiatrist and have changed onto Zoloft (another anti-depressant) which I should be starting in a few days. Zoloft should be a little less stimulating (less suicidal thoughts) but still be able to help with my anxiety. If you are going to consider taking Wellbutrin please do your research on this drug. I suggest using Crazy Meds :). This is just my experience and to each his own.

What is happiness?

For a couple weeks, maybe months, and possibly years I have asked myself am I happy? I always answered yes. But recently I have started to ask myself if I am unhappy? And my answer is still yes. If I was truly happy I would not be in therapy. But yet I am not sad enough to consider myself depressed.

I am not a religious person at all, I am still trying to find out if I believe in religion at all. But I do think that fate has given me a gift this summer.If I counted all the bad things that have happened to me in the past month, I would believe that I had a terrible summer. But yet fate has given me such amazing things to counteract all the bad.

Maybe happiness is the feeling that everything isn't crumbling beneath me. Or that through everything that has happened I still manage to smile. Right now I could name a million things that I would change in order to make me completely happy and giddy. But I know life doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm not happy, maybe I am just thankful.